Category: Uncategorized
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Letter I
Letter I I is for impediment. An impediment is a physical limitation and in the case of depression, invisible. Depression’s impediment is like a mountain that appears unexpectedly before an explorer a long way from home. It is threatening and appears to be never ending. Impediment is also associated with speech, not being able to…
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Letter H
H Is for help. Help is not wanted when I am depressed. Help seems like the doorway to shame and more pain. Help is what sane people ask for. Help is feared. Real help comes when I least expect it. It is the sleep that has been eluded. It is the appetite that…
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Letter G
G- is for God. When depression strikes God can only be sensed as a memory or concept others feel. In the best moments God can feel like a faraway place. The underlying feeling of hopelessness acts like an airplane in a cloud where there are no instruments to navigate through the storms of grief and…
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Letter F
F- is for Focus. For me focusing is painful when I’m depressed. Focusing takes my attention off of fears and makes me feel vulnerable. It turns me inside out. I am exposed. I am alone. Focusing outside myself is exhausting. I cannot see the world clearly when depressed. F is also for fragile. I am…
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E
E- is for energy. Andrew Solomon writes “The opposite of depression is not happiness but vitality.” Energy leaves you when you are depressed. It is a betrayal, as if the source that created you abandoned you. Lack of energy becomes a crisis because it activates doubt that you exist at all, that there is nothing…
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Damage Control
D – is for damage. Damage is done to relationships when depression enters the picture. Damage is done to trust that has been established with oneself and others. Depression feels like a turning in on oneself, you cannot trust yourself and others stop trusting you. Thinking is skewed and therefore, cannot be available in ways…
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Feeling Rebellious
Good Friday to you! I am not it the mood to share a letter today and it is my website so you get a rambling on Emily Dickenson! In recent days I have been dreaming about Emily Dickenson and I think of her in my meditations. I wrote a poem honoring her a while back…
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Letter C
C – C is for control. Having a breakdown is all about control. Loss of what I normally feel I am able to control, and control being exerted on my world by others can be paralyzing. Control is a word closely related to meaning. I feel in control when I feel knowledgeable, when things seem…
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Catching My Breath
The behemoth medical machine spit me out and I am just returning to myself. Radiology is no joke. I managed to sit still while poked, injected, scanned, and assaulted with ungodly noise. The headphones at max volume playing Opera music was drowned out by the violent disruption of the space around and inside of my…
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A Postiive Diagnosis
Do you know of Tig Notaro? I first saw Tig Notaro in a recording of her 2012 show “Live”, in which she announces she has breast cancer. I too had breast cancer and felt immediately drawn in. I recently watched her Netflix movie about her life and how she used her cancer diagnosis as an…