Pro Choice

This letter is about choice, choosing to not give up. Life is full of suffering and loss there is no way around it. However, our suffering, our enduring can be a great gift to others. After my Father passed away all of my feelings were on the surface. A friend of mine said she could see a soul light shinning through my tear stained face, she said she would never forget that image. I was in the throws of grief, my soul was shedding. I had no energy for anyone or anything but somehow I was there for my friend, she saw what she was ready to see. She chose to be curious about my grief and I survive depression by being curious about what is possible each new day.

Q

Q- is for Quitting. Part of my journey through depression is married to the idea of quitting. There are pivotal moments where the desire to quit is so strong I can taste my craving for defeat and the release of all of my bodily suffering. The possibility of letting defeat take over my mind and body is like a prayer for death on the tip of my tongue. I stop and take notice of the choice I have, to just give up, release myself into a fall that renders me powerless, or to keep moving, to halt the prayer for destruction and wait for a sign of grace.

 I find I notice this choice when I am in my bedroom and I carefully raise each of the three oatmeal colored linen black-out shades making sure that the fabric folds are even and stacked in a way that they do not become wrinkled. I can feel a very slight stirring of curiosity in my heart that somehow breaks the self-destructive spell I find myself under.

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