Amazing Grace

”God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts to us in our pain: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world. C.S. Lewis The Problem with Pain

Something happened in my days studying to be a Waldorf teacher that allowed me to articulate the process of Grace. I was able to see that one’s survival is based on a process, some would call learning or in my case a relationship with Divine Help I recognize as love. Grace is the deliciousness of participating in daily life without really knowing how things come to be but being able to witness life exists without any help from us. Things just are, no interfering or intercessions, just this moment, this breath, this body, this noticing. There is a lightness to Grace that can fill us up and carry us along, through the pain and suffering that is our constant traveling companion.

P

text of poem: Fear Grabs me as The Horse Arrives, making this bodily existence feel like an Outrageous Shout! I hold up my hands and Fall int His Gaze, Warm Watery heaviness fills the Room of Mind. The peripheral vision of the Horse Reveals Everything. I become the Beat of His Huge Heart, I see what is Holy, Only Love, To Love I serve until I am gone

P is for Pain. Depression is painful. The brain registers emotional pain in the same way as physical pain. It is natural to avoid pain. When my daughter was in fourth grade her teacher told me that she was not getting what she needed academically. I felt the most severe pain of my life. It was gut wrenching. The teacher was in pain too. Her lip quivered, she seemed in a state of panic brought on by hopelessness. My daughter was not getting what she needed. It was that manifestation of my worst fear; that I would not provide for my child.

Becoming aware of what my daughter had been facing at school and the confusion of having a trusted teacher admit her failure made me feel alone and scared. My emotional health became secondary I know I needed to take action by looking for educational support and by becoming stalwart about her needs. I didn’t take into account my needs.  Deep down I was avoiding feeling the pain of betrayal. Depression can be a way to circumvent the anger of being neglected.  When my daughter was struggling to get her needs met, I wish I could have seen my own needs and not allowed depression to become a coping mechanism.

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