L- is for Lost. Sometimes depression can come from a series of losses or a long period of being lost. It is the accumulation of confusing moments and eventual succumbing to fear. It is a crushing squeezing out of breath and feeling. I don’t feel myself when I am lost. I feel like I am being extinguished. There is a vulnerability that emanates from me, something animals can smell. A dark sky without stars is disorienting and feels like a weight from above, a never-ending night.
At the time of this posting we are coming out of a new moon and I feel lost and a strong sense of loss. My beautiful daughter will be 18 tomorrow, a big milestone for her and for Jim and me as her parents. The very first step in being a legal adult in this country. Also, it is the first of the last chapter of parenting. Just as at the end of the Presidential election I feel joy and relief that we are almost to a change that is a long time coming. I also feel fear and sadness. I am sad for how much I have had to endure under the last four years as an American and I am fearful of the unknown, how will we go on as a nation with deep wounds still fresh? Now my dear daughter will be stepping up as a full citizen and I am sad that our paths are diverging and fearful that I will not find as much happiness in my day to day life now that mothering is mostly done. My faith is renewed in seeing the wonderful person she is and how much she has to offer the world. I am not so much part of the show anymore but know I will always have one of the best seats right next to her Dad. I pray that she is never lost for very long and never feels life’s losses are too much.