Archive for September, 2020

Letter I

September 25, 2020
I Is For...

Letter I

I is for impediment. An impediment is a physical limitation and in the case of depression, invisible. Depression’s impediment is like a mountain that appears unexpectedly before an explorer a long way from home. It is threatening and appears to be never ending. Impediment is also associated with speech, not being able to form words and therefore cut off from others.  In the Bible God chooses Moses, who has a speech impediment and stutters, to go to the king of Egypt and speak for him and to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. [1]Moses tells God “Oh, Master send somebody else!” The fear of being unworthy overarches wanting to serve God. God gets angry and tells Moses to ask his brother, Aaron the Levite, for help and says, “You’ll speak to him and tell him what to say. I’ll be right there with you as you speak to him and with him as he speaks, teaching you step by step”.[2]

When I was a young girl, I was taken to speech therapy because others struggled to understand the s, r, and the hard g sounds. Therapy felt like banging my head against the wall, I never was able to pronounce the words like the therapist wanted. The therapist acted like she couldn’t understand me even though she knew what words I was trying to say. I absolutely hated it! The worst was when people could not understand my name. “Angie” would come out as “Andy” or “Nancy.” It still happens sometimes, and I feel awash in embarrassment. The only part I liked was that I would get to pick something out of the vending machine, it was the 70’s in rural Indiana, vending machines were exciting. I always got Andy Kapps “hot fries” And if it was the end of series of sessions, I would get lunch at the Penguin Point drive thru. I would be so relieved. This time in my life I adored animals. I lived on a small farm and would sit and listen to how animals communicate, I felt understood with them, I didn’t need words. As I got more articulate, I would read books to the animals. I felt safe and happy.

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[1] (Exodus 4:10, The Message)

[2] (Exodus 4:14-17, The Message)

Letter H

September 17, 2020

H

Is for help.

Help is not wanted when I am depressed. 

Help seems like the doorway to shame and more pain.

Help is what sane people ask for.

 Help is feared.

         Real help comes when I least expect it.        

          It is the sleep that has been eluded.

It is the appetite that comes back.

It is a surprise visitor that doesn’t know I am depressed.

It is when

I am asked to help

and find that I am able to give it.

Letter G

September 11, 2020

G- is for God.

When depression strikes God can only be sensed as a memory or concept others feel.  In the best moments God can feel like a faraway place.  The underlying feeling of hopelessness acts like an airplane in a cloud where there are no instruments to navigate through the storms of grief and loss. Storms do pass and in moments of clarity God becomes a landing place. Remember to pull back on the throttle and flare your wings to the horizon and you will be home.

Sometimes

I choose to believe

That I am invisible

That I am a blind spot in God’s eye

But

My blood flows through

A path I did not choose

And

I do not choose those whom I love

It is the Reality in which I live

Like blood through veins

I let the present carry me

For Reality

Is constantly moving.

G – is also for Goddess.

The Goddess is shy but always present.

She hides and dances

         on the edges of perception.

As a child She was Mary and Mother

She was the smell of Shalimar perfume

She was red geraniums every summer

          in the serpentine garden

She was soft wrinkled hands

         and sparkling ice blue eyes

She was the lap of blue silk

          that held the grief of the world

As a woman She has been dreams      

         Of snakes waking up my body for marriage

         Of snails slowly welcoming children

And muses filling my senses

         with sisterly love

         singing bowls

         prayers for a daughter’s return

Soon She will be Me

         And I will be shy

         And dancing

          On the edge of perception